Goats on a Rampage
by BobTheGoat
Summary: What happens when you don't give your goats enough food? World domination, that's what! This is a goat simulator fanfic, but I gave them names. Enjoy! Please review!
1. Chapter 1: The Meeting

Bob ran to the barn, muttering under his breath, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm _really_ late!" The meeting was going to start without him! Finally making it, he shouted, "I'm so so so sorry I'm late!" Looking around, however, he discovered that, he was either so late that the meeting had already _ended_ , or it hadn't started yet. How did he know it was one of these, you may ask? Well, first of all, there was no one there, and the Farmer, Jimmy, kept a clock on the wall, and, although Bob didn't quite know how to read it, his sister, Arwa, did. However, she was nowhere to be seen… except for maybe back at the goat shed. _Darn,_ he thought. _Guess I am early. Whoa. Talk about first time in forever._

Just then, Arwa and their twin brothers Gillis and Giles walked in the door. "Well," Arwa said, "Didn't expect to see you inside _before_ I came in."

"Well, I thought it was earlier. Why are we doing this again?"

"Because we don't think The Farmer is getting us enough food!" the twins said, slightly out of tandem. "Darn. Almost had it that time." Gillis grumbled. "Almost." Their mother, Jaela, replied, having walked in with the rest of the other goats. "Nope! You'll never get it; it's impossible! At least, for you two." That would be their ornery grandmother, Cashmere, walking in just after her daughter. "Your great-uncles could do it, but that doesn't mean you can! You've been trying for years; almost like you think that if you keep doing it wrong, you'll do it right!"

"That _is_ the definition of idiocy, butts. Maybe you should try not doing it at all? Or maybe just stick with finishing each other's sentences. That might work." Arwa was getting impatient now. "It's time to call the meeting to order! Stop wasting time!"

"Whatever floats your goat, Ar." this was said almost flippantly, like he like he didn't care, but you could tell he was ready to take over the farm if need be.

"Friends, it is time to call the meeting to order! Enough socializing! It's time to decide what to do!" Cashmere shouted. "Wandering around and talking isn't going to do anything!" All the hubbub died down, and Cashmere, the current oldest goat, meaning current leader of all goats. "We are going to take a vote! Who wants to take over the farm? Who wants to stay quiet? Who wants to run away? We're taking a vote, and the ballots are getting passed around now! Horn hole for the attack, hoofprint to run, and nose print to stay quiet! Pick one or the other. But think about the consequences of each! Less food for leaving, the same amount of food for being wimps and laying low, or enough food for assault! Choose! Or we attack at dawn in two days! And that is final!"

Coming down from the podium that Bob hadn't even noticed was there, or the fact that she was on it, Cashmere smirked. "Betcha the farmer has a pretty good stash of alcohol, hmm?


	2. Chapter 2: The Spying Mission

Cashmere had decided to do some of what she called "reconnaissance", whatever that was. Arwa was skeptical. "You commented on alcohol and almost immediately after, proposed a recon mission. And then had us and only us come because you know we won't rat you out, Grandma."

"It's time to go!" Cashmere bleated, pointedly ignoring her granddaughter. "The window is closing! Go! Go! Go go go go go!"

"But the window's not open," Bob said, confused. "I mean, the _door_ is open, but the window isn't."

"The window of time, smarty-socks!"

"Okay."

Entering the house, the goats stopped as Cashmere talked. "We should split up. It covers more ground." Now, as I'm sure practically everyone is screaming,

"No! That's a terrible idea! Don't split up in a house in the middle of the night!" Well, for one, it was _not_ the middle of the night and two, Cashmere suggested that they split up so she could find the liquor cabinet. Also, Cashmere is a crazy, ornery grandma goat. Why _else_ would she be wearing black cloth for a recon mission? She's crazy! As are the rest of them, true, but still.

"Grandma, that doesn't seem like a good idea…" Seeing she was about to object, Bob hastily continued. "But yes ma'am! I'll do it immediately!" And so, they split up. Cashmere found the liquor cabinet and proceeded to get drunk. The twins went looking for the recycling, not taking the mission seriously, but found the pantry first, and ate, and ate, and _ate,_ getting themselves soaked in canned goods during the process. Arwa decided to go with Bob to keep him out of trouble, but slipped on Gillis and Giles exceptionally messy trail and slammed into the drunk Cashmere. All of this, quite obviously, created a _gigantic_ amount of noise, bringing the attention of the Farmer's Wife, a very dangerous individual who wielded a broom and had a _very_ nasty shooing technique, whom chased the goats out of her pantry, out of her husband's hidden liquor cabinet that she was most _certainly_ going to have words with him about, in spite of the whole _former President of the USA_ thing. But, you may ask where Bob was during this whole commotion? Well, he didn't know. He _had,_ however, found the farmer and was trying to apologize to him for his grandma, but that just made him freak out more. So, Bob decided that he would straight out tell Farmer Jimmy that everything was okay, and talking goats were normal. The farmer adopted this weird glazed look in his eyes that reminded Bob of heaven on earth and started following his every word feverishly.

"Yes, sir. There is a tree outside the window that you must climb down to escape my wife, who will be coming in…" The Farmer checked his watch. "Approximately one minute."

Needless to say, Bob was _very_ confused. "Huh?"

"Climb down the tree to escape! Or you could just brainwash her the same way you did me."

"But I have no idea how I brainwashed you! I didn't even know I brainwashed you until you said I did!"

Just then, the Farmer's Wife entered the door, and Bob passed out.


	3. Chapter 3: The Plan

**Okay, guys. This is my first AN. Will you guys please suggest a beta for me? I'd like to have one. Or, if any of you guys are a beta, and want to do it with me? I'd be happy with that. Also, y'all, please dont freak out when I mention taking over the world. Besides, I already hid the body. Oh crap, I just fell into a sarcasm! Oh no! Don't worry, I can get out on my own. Don't need a rope at all. Nope. Definitely not. Anyways, enjoy!**

 **GoatGoatGoatGoat**

"He's ready."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

And the two mysterious beings covered the sleeping Bob with a strange, filmy substance that flashed once with a blue light and assimilated itself into his body. They then disappeared in a flash of light.

* * *

When Bob woke, he was in a comfy bed. Which confused him, as goats don't usually sleep in beds. He personally liked the birch tree in the back paddock. It was kind of isolated, in the shade, and being under it made him feel safe. But beds were better than that, he decided, snuggling into the blankets. Not too hot, and not too cold. He enjoyed it and would think of it for years to come. The door opened, and Arwa walked in. On two legs. Like a human.

"Whaa?" Arwa shrugged.

"I don't know. Something happened overnight, and now all the goats directly related to you have the ability to walk on two legs when they want to. And that let me sneak in here with either the Farmer's Wife not noticing me or thinking I'm her daughter or something stupid like that. I checked the basement first. I thought they would freak out when they found out you'd learned their language. But apparently not."

"No, I-I think I brainwashed them into thinking I was, well… I don't know… Something."

"Well, apply some logical thought to this, Bob. Either you're part alien, or you received a blessing from higher powers."

"What, goat gods? I doubt that."

"Okay, some kind of energy projecting alien or possibly being from another dimension. In there somewhere. I think. Anyways, it affected the rest of us, and now Grandma Cashmere thinks she drank radioactive alcohol. And she's enjoying being treated like royalty. Also, Mom wasn't very happy we went into the house without telling her."

The door opened again, and the Farmer's Wife and Farmer Jimmy stood there. "Awaiting orders, sir." The Farmer said that like it was something he said every day. He stood there, waiting. But, the Farmer was not a patient man. So, when Bob did nothing but sit there with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, his voice became angry. "Well? Are you going to give us our orders or what? Just leave us standing here, doing nothing? I don't appreciate that, so what do you want us to do?!"

"Um… Just do what you normally do, I guess."

"Do you want us to hire some people to look after the farm while we take over the world and achieve goat equality everywhere? Or do you just want to lie in that bed doing nothing for your goat friends?"

"World domination sounds good. Where are we going to start, though?"

"I used to be President. I could get us into a Congress meeting and you could brainwash everyone. Then we could brainwash the President, and then we could send you along with ambassadors as the ambassadorial goat."

"Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. Do you think the rest of my family can do the brainwashing thing, too?"

"I don't know, sir. They can walk on two legs and appear human if they so wish, though. I saw your brothers playing with the other goats by pretending they were new farmhands. Even your grandma was fooled. Not your mother, though."

"Grandma would have probably recognized Mama or her brothers, though."

"True."

"I'll try to look human now…" And with that, Bob transformed his features into that of a fourteen-year-old boy. When this was voiced by Arwa. "That's strange… Is that me in human years?"

"Yes, dumbutt. What else would it be?" Arwa was not happy. "Mama still wants to know where you are! We have to leave."

"Okay..." Reluctantly getting out of the warm bed, he turned to the farming couple. "When do you think we should start the plan?"

"Next week." The Farmer's Wife was stoic. "We should start next week."

"Okay." Bob was pleased. Goat equality was so close!


End file.
